At My Most Burned-Out in 35 Years

[Willie the Duck]

I agree with the statements of others similar to 'if a group can't handle a little break, it isn't that cohesive to begin with.' However, social momentum is a thing, and if you take more than a few weeks off, people do find other things to do (and might not come back). As a suggestion in that regard -- most gaming groups have a number of shared secondary interests that they can explore for short periods of time. Board games, movie night (revisit all the movies that got you into fantasy gaming in the first place), dinner and a show, one-off sessions of other RPGs (maybe one of those 2 page indie games), etc. If a group can't handle 2-3 sessions of doing that, then yes it really never really was cohesive to begin with.

Retreater, you've been complaining about your gaming situation on here for a LONG time now. And people have given you advice on questions here and there. But you always seem to have reasons you can't or won't take certain measures to make things easier for yourself. Well, if you are this exhausted, it is HIGH TIME to take time off. Push off the responsibility onto someone else for a while, and if nobody is willing to do that, then LET THE GROUPS DIE for now. Maybe you'll be able to bring them back up when you've gotten some time away, maybe not. But this burning the candle at both ends is turning this hobby into a thankless job. And you don't seem to want that.

Or at the very least, it certainly is high time to say to this group, 'I've been saying this is unsustainable for years. Now is the time to take me seriously. I will be taking a break. There will be changes when I get back (or the group can die). Start discussing/negotiating which ones you are more or less willing to accept (note that 'none' is just a vote for the group dying).'

Retreater, you've been complaining about your gaming situation on here for a LONG time now. And people have given you advice on questions here and there. But you always seem to have reasons you can't or won't take certain measures to make things easier for yourself.

Hopefully thats just a distortion from getting it second hand.

If you can't say to your group "Sorry, no game Sunday, I'm going to be at a wedding on Saturday 4 hours away" without getting pushback from your group, there's a level of toxicity there I'm having trouble understanding.

I am having a similar feeling to all the system threads from this one. The particulars dont really matter. I think you are stuck chasing the dragon. Trying to achieve that exactly right experience you had in yesteryear. So, you continually pour more and more effort into an ever increasing pile of games thinking you can force it. It has to come naturally, and sometimes what you get is all you get.

We're not supposed to make things about the poster. However, I don't think it does the OP any good not to know that their ongoing saga is indistinguishable from 1) a kind of self-enforced trauma akin to codependency addiction/factitious disorders/etc., or 2) someone unwilling to give up a burden, even if they can't handle indefinitely, or 3) not wholly factual*. The demands are unending, the player's are universally unreasonable, no quarter is given, the behavior is toxic -- but every suggested solution is always a no-go.
*not a productive road to go down, so we'll ignore.

It's not that I am not sympathetic, but my experience in the sobriety community tells me that the only answers we can provide that would be helpful are the tough love ones. We've consistently offered the (IMO) right answers, and they have been consistently rejected. OP needs to set boundaries, demand others take up some of the burdens, and explain that the give-take balance of the group is out of whack in a way that will not continue. That's it. Full stop. There's nothing else we can advise until they are willing to acknowledge this.

I have a player in one of the groups (albeit, the less exhausting one) who volunteered to run a short adventure. I'll see if he's up for that. The more exhausting group, maybe I can tell them to handle their characters and rules on their own if they think they enjoy 4e so much? It still doesn't help me with adventure prep, but it takes a little bit of load off.

Yes, this is the kind of things we have been advocating you look into. I am glad to see you can publicly acknowledge it as an option. What else do you think you can ask people to explore doing instead of having you do it all?

 

[TwoSix]

I don't think it is productive to judge other peoples' cycles of grief. Maybe the 4E game was their usual bright spot of the week and they just needed that. Or maybe it isn't a bright spot but it would be suitably distracting. Whatever. It is their grief, and a friend will do what they can to help.

I knew someone would raise this point, and I just don't agree. It's fine to volunteer to make that drive to help your friend. But the idea the friend asked another friend to drive back just to run a game for them bothers me.

 

[Reynard]

Yeah, but ideally a friend will not have their other friends drive themselves into exhaustion to support their grief either. I'll admit it's complex, but clearly Retreater is paying a substantial cost in physical and emotional labor and it doesn't seem like many (if any) of his players are in his corner.

Sure. But we are all responsible for our own stuff.

 

[billd91]

I didn't have the foresight to cancel the regular 4e game, despite knowing I would be running the game at the wedding party.

Yeah, that's kind of what I thought when you said you considered canceling the session. That's why I asked.

It took more out of me than I expected - in fact, the whole wedding did. I ended up helping set up the wedding, moving it indoors because of rain, etc. I'm just a lot more exhausted than I thought.

And a good friend, when in the situation, will do that because stuff happens.

A good reminder that I'm not in my 20s (or even 30s) anymore.

Yeah, those drives take a LOT more out of me than when I was younger too. I've been driving to and from Minneapolis (from Madison - so a 4-ish hour drive) a lot over the last 6 months because my father-in-law suffered a traumatic brain injury last summer. But we've put our foot down about doing more often than we do because we're in our 50s and can't keep up a higher pace.
YOU need to do the same and resist being bothered about potentially letting people down.

 

[Schmoe]

I feel almost too exhausted to write this post.

Over two years of two weekly games in different systems with only the occasional missed session.
Last weekend, I ran a bonus marathon session for around 8 hours (for different players in another system).
This weekend, I ran a game for a drunken wedding party that lasted until midnight (for yet different players in yet another different system) - turned around, drove 4 hours, and ran another 4 hour game.
In the regular game, people don't pay attention to their turns, don't know their character abilities, argue with me about their character abilities (that they don't know), have a "joke journal" instead of keeping pertinent adventure details.

Yesterday, I rushed home from the wedding party game. Got home just in time to level up 5 characters for the players, printed out 30 pages of character sheets, organized the table, and had about 1 hour to lay down and feel hopeless that I had nothing to run for the group. (My previous planned encounters had been made worthless when the group decided to flee the adventure the previous session.) No suitable pre-made adventures were available, because I'm running a dead system notorious for bad adventures.

Thankfully, we are taking off next Sunday for Mother's Day. I'm about to collapse - not kidding. I don't want to stop running the games and kill the groups. Also, if I take time off, that will be the same as killing the groups. In at least one of the groups - I'm the only person willing to DM. My wife - who is a player - literally got mad at me when I told her I was tired. ("I guess just tell everyone you don't want to DM anymore and that we're not going to play.")

I don't know why I'm posting this. I guess to vent? Maybe to help organize my thoughts about how to try to recover from this?

Take a break. Seriously. Ask yourself why you're so afraid the groups would break up. Take care of yourself first. If the players truly value the games, they'll understand and come back when you're ready. If they don't, then it wasn't worth it to begin with.

 

[Retreater]

I'm sorry if I'm giving the impression that my players are a bunch of jerks. They are doing what they're doing because I haven't set boundaries. It's not as if I've told them I'm exhausted and they demand I keep running the game, or even get snarky about it (with the exception of my wife - but that's it's own issue).

I haven't said "hey, 4e is wearing me out" or "I'm tired of adjusting your character sheets all the time."

But it's not anyone's fault that I've run myself to exhaustion - well, anyone but myself.

As far as whether I'm codependent or whatever, that's something I should discuss with my therapist. I've tried talking about this before with him, but it's difficult for him to understand what's going on.

 

[billd91]

I'm sorry if I'm giving the impression that my players are a bunch of jerks. They are doing what they're doing because I haven't set boundaries. It's not as if I've told them I'm exhausted and they demand I keep running the game, or even get snarky about it (with the exception of my wife - but that's it's own issue).

I haven't said "hey, 4e is wearing me out" or "I'm tired of adjusting your character sheets all the time."

But it's not anyone's fault that I've run myself to exhaustion - well, anyone but myself.

Time to open up to your players. Past time, really.

As far as whether I'm codependent or whatever, that's something I should discuss with my therapist. I've tried talking about this before with him, but it's difficult for him to understand what's going on.

I'm not going to say switch therapists given how hard they can be to get and build a relationship with. But you're hosting events all the time and investing a lot of time and energy without much help - if your therapist isn't grokking that, he needs a kick in the jimmies.

 

[Osgood]

GM burnout is a common issue. I feel like we all go through out at some point. What we don't all have are groups who aren't understanding and willing to work with us. As others have said, it sounds like you are in some toxic groups and that's a problem (the fact that your wife is part of it is even more concerning).

I think your only option is open communication--you need to let your players know how you are feeling and that you need some time off (and not just a session or two, at least a few months). You never know, maybe they will surprise you and someone else will step up. If you feel up to it, you could offer to mentor them--that may even help recharge those batteries. If someone is willing to run a game, it could be a chance to try a different system plenty of premade adventures, or something people were curious about. Maybe have a few other options lined up, like board games. If not, taking some time off can also be good.

I'm not a therapist (but I'd bet money they'd agree with me here) you absolutely need to have a conversation with your wife. She should have been the first one to have your back, and its saddening to see her response. You'd know better than any of us, maybe she's got stuff going on or was having a bad day of her own, but I don't think you should let something like that fester.

Regardless, I hope you get a chance to get some time off and get refreshed.

 

[billd91]

I'm not a therapist (but I'd bet money they'd agree with me here) you absolutely need to have a conversation with your wife. She should have been the first one to have your back, and its saddening to see her response. You'd know better than any of us, maybe she's got stuff going on or was having a bad day of her own, but I don't think you should let something like that fester.

Word.

 

[Osgood]

I'm sorry if I'm giving the impression that my players are a bunch of jerks. They are doing what they're doing because I haven't set boundaries. It's not as if I've told them I'm exhausted and they demand I keep running the game, or even get snarky about it (with the exception of my wife - but that's it's own issue).

I haven't said "hey, 4e is wearing me out" or "I'm tired of adjusting your character sheets all the time."

But it's not anyone's fault that I've run myself to exhaustion - well, anyone but myself.

As far as whether I'm codependent or whatever, that's something I should discuss with my therapist. I've tried talking about this before with him, but it's difficult for him to understand what's going on.

Don't be too hard on yourself. I'll be a lot of use don't set boundaries. It does sound like your players are taking advantage though.

Since you are in therapy, I'd definitely bring this whole situation up.