D&D 5E Short, Funny Bard Songs Please

[Dannyalcatraz]

"My fingers danced gently on her neck
My hands caressed her curvy sides
And the Watch arrested meeeee...for lute behavior.

I was playing a lovely ballad
A fool joined in with bagpipes
And the Watch arrested meeeee...for kicking him in the sack.

I went to the bazaar to find a new woodwind
I rummaged around in one merchant's wares
And the Watch arrested meeeee...for grabbing his flute."

 

[Helldritch]

Bah... use any songs in Skyrim!

Let use Ragnar the red!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0dj7EVJ_mtA

 

[gyor]

"A knight from the Kingdom of Nantucket, saw a spear coming at him and decided to duck it!"

 

[Gardens & Goblins]

''Oh this is the song of the rabbit Mc Gee,
Who loved to dig,
And dig he did free.

He dug and he dug and he dug and he dug,
Digged duggy dig dig dug, dig duggy dig dig.

Dig dig dig dig, dig dig dig dig dig..

And then he died. The end.''

 

[rgoodbb]

Some of these remind me of awful but funny when drunk songs of my childhood.
This one was originally about the size of a farmer's marrow. But a little tweaking....

Down there lives a Carpenter
I think you all should know
He made a great big quarterstaff
For war or just for show
And when the story got around,
They came from far and wide
And when the people saw his quarterstaff, then they all cried……

Ooh!.......What a beauty,
I never seen one as big as that before
Ooh!.......What a beauty,
Its shaft is four feet long or even more
It's such a lovely stiffness,
And nice and full and strong
I never thought a quarterstaff
Could be as big and long

He was leaning on the garden gate
Just the other day
And beckoned to a lady
Who lives just across the way
He took her down the garden path and showed it her with pride
And when she saw the size of it,
The little lady sighed………

Ooh!......What a beauty,
I never seen one as big as that before
Ooh!......What a beauty,
Its shaft is four feet long or even more
It's such a lovely stiffness
And nice and full and strong
I never thought a quarterstaff
Could be as big and long

And then the weapon show was held
And everybody went
To see thee great big quarterstaff,
Lying in the tent
Soon the judges came along
To give the prizes out
They only took one look at it
And then began to shout………….

Ooh!.....What a beauty……

 

[Imaculata]

Translated from a Dutch poem:


Papejan

I had a perfect seat in front, and could not believe my eyes,
as Papejan (both hung and quartered), met his own demise.

Four horses flogged across their backs, started pulling really hard.
And slowly, and unevenly, tore Papejan apart.

But in light of this gruesome spectacle, one thing bothers me a touch.
Was it really necessary to whip the horses so much?

 

[SunderX7]

Beat Beat Beat the ELF!
Make 'em really SCREAM!
Tie the long ears in a knot!
Paint the tongue lime green!

 

[rgoodbb]

Shake, shake, shake, de-kobold,
Shake him loose of gold
Shake, shake, shake, de-kobold,
Shake him till he’s old
Work, work, work, de-kobold,
Work the little thief
Work, work, work, de-kobold
Work him give him grief

My kobold’s name is-a Meepo
I tell you friends, he’s a cheap-o
But when he picks pockets, oh brother!
He's a hurricane in all kinds of weather

(Jump in the crowd, work your fingers around)
Ok, I believe you!
(Jump in the crowd, work your fingers around)
Ok, I believe you!
(Jump in the crowd, work your fingers around)
Ok, I believe you!
(Jump in the crowd, work your fingers around)

Shake, shake, shake, de-kobold,
Shake him loose of gold
Shake, shake, shake, de-kobold,
Shake him till he’s old
Work, work, work, de-kobold,
Work the little thief
Work, work, work, de-kobold
Work him give him grief

You can talk about two fingered pick
The brush-off happen so slick
Meepo’s dance has no title
You jump in the saddle
Hold on to de bridle

(Jump in the crowd, work your fingers around)
Ok, I believe you!
(Jump in the crowd, work your fingers around)
Ok, I believe you!
(Jump in the crowd, work your fingers around)
Ok, I believe you!
(Jump in the crowd, work your fingers around)

Shake, shake, shake, de-kobold,
Shake him loose of gold
Shake, shake, shake, de-kobold,
Shake him till he’s old
Work, work, work, de-kobold,
Work the little thief
Work, work, work, de-kobold
Work him give him grief

Now Meepo, he's full of Deception
He will beat your passive Perception
And rich boys, cover your pocket
Cause when he cracks his fingers
He go’s like a rocket

(Jump in the crowd, work your fingers around)
Ok, I believe you!
(Jump in the crowd, work your fingers around)
Ok, I believe you!
(Jump in the crowd, work your fingers around)
Ok, I believe you!
(Jump in the crowd, work your fingers around)

Shake, shake, shake, de-kobold,
Shake him loose of gold
Shake, shake, shake, de-kobold,
Shake him till he’s old
Work, work, work, de-kobold,
Work the little thief
Work, work, work, de-kobold
Work him give him grief

Now Meepo’s fingers are smoking
He lifted without provoking
When you notice somethings astray
He’s Disengaged, Dashed and Hidden away

(Jump in the crowd, work your fingers around)
Ok, I believe you!
(Jump ……………………

 

[Herobizkit]

The video game "South Park: The Stick of Truth" features Jimmy as a Bard. He sings the following as one of his special attacks. (Note: It's kinda lewd, so I spoiler-blocked it.)

[sblock]"There once was a maiden from Stonebury Hollow.
She didn't talk much but boy did she swallow.
I have a nice lance that she sat upon.
The maiden from Stonebury who was also your mom."[/sblock]

 

[Fleetwood C. DeVille]

Sung to "Let it Go".

[sblock]Lay Them Low

The snow glowed white on the iceberg last night
Our footprints clearly seen
We come from the City of Waterdeep
Ruled by a council, not a queen.

The dragon ran just like a punk off to hide
Couldn’t keep him in, Tymora knows we tried!

Don’t let them live, don’t let them run
Being baddass is really kind of fun
Don’t kneel, don’t heal, just use your bow
And lay them low!

Lay them low, lay them low
No quarter anymore
Lay them low, lay them low
Stop the escape and slam the door!

I don’t care
How much they beg
Let the battle rage on,
The screams never bothered us anyway.

It’s funny how lots of damage
Makes every foe fall down
And the heaps of gathered treasure
Make us heroes of renown

It’s time to see what we can do
To gain experience and look cool
The Lady of Luck watches over us, they’re dust!

Lay them low, lay them low
Fireballs make them fry
Lay them low, lay them low
We love it when they cry!

We have no plan
We just want gain!
Let the battle rage on!

Our powers of destruction increase each time we ding
The number of monsters we kill will cause the bards to sing
And one thought finally breaks through the red haze
We better go back
We left some gold back in the cave!

Lay them low, lay them low
We aren’t anybody’s pawns
Lay them low, lay them low
We won’t stop until they’re gone!

We will slay
Come what may
Let the battle rage on,
The screams never bothered us anyway![/sblock]